Life is tough, but so are you.

I am hoping this post makes sense as I am writing it after being awake for 19 hours...night shift nurse life. I just have so much on my mind and I think writing it all out will help me in some way.

It has been one month and 8 days since I had the D&C. I have really good days and really hard ones. Its almost like I have all these triggers around me, but I don't feel like I can talk about them all the time. They bring immense sadness and so many other emotions. Let me explain what I mean...

For starter pretty much everyone is pregnant right now. Seriously. My sister in law, good friends, and lots of coworkers. It hurts not because I'm not happy for them. I truly am happy for their wonderful and exciting new, but I am sad for me and I miss my baby. It is an odd thing to miss someone so much when you've never seen them. 

Trigger.

I work as a labor and delivery nurse. I love my job. I love my co-workers and the hospital I work at. I love being apart of such a special and life changing time for my patients. I am blessed to say I am working my dream job.

With that being said, I had NO idea how difficult it would be to go back to work a few days after the D&C. It still is hard. I am obviously around pregnant women or mothers with new sweet babes every time I go to work.  At least 6 of my coworkers are also pregnant and were due around the time I was. They all had known I was pregnant, suddenly I'm not, and I now have to share everything again. 

Trigger. 

Most people don't have to go back to the same hospital every week that you had to go to have your baby you lost removed from your body. 

Trigger.

My first night back to work my doctor was up on the floor seeing one of his patients...so of course he saw I was working and came over to talk to me. He asked how I was feeling and about my physical symptoms. I have no idea why but tears immediately started rolling down my face. I said "oh I'm fine, it's okay", but really I wasn't. He hugged me and offered his condolences again. I then continued to ask him questions about the baby...was there any obvious deformities, were the ventricles formed? etc. and with an empathetic look he told me the baby had already started to break down and it was difficult to see any evidence as to "why" this happened. My heart broke again. 

Trigger. 

A few minutes later the CRNA that performed my anesthesia  came up to the floor for a c-section. I had worked with him only once or twice before...but now I'll always remember him. He came up to me and said, "I don't know if you remember me or not, I see your back to work and I just wanted to see how you were doing". Again I got a lump in my throat and tears filled my eyes as I nodded my head yes. He hugged me and told me how strong I was, and that he was impressed I was back to work already. 

Trigger. 

That night was especially hard, but for two weeks, after every shift I cried the entire 25 minute drive home. I often don't even know why I was crying...Exhaustion from working a night shift. A certain trigger that I just had to silently deal with. The physical and debilitating cramping. Feeling angry that I wasn't pregnant anymore and jealous of those that are. Why this happened to us. Embarrassed that this happened. The list goes on, and it just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Things are getting better each day, but this has forever changed me. I want to stop feeling like salt is being rubbed in our wounds. I really just wish this wasn't our reality.

I know we have a beautiful daughter that has forever blessed our lives. She keeps me going and keeps me on my toes:) I hope she is able to experience that special sibling bond one day. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know I have to trust in His plan, and I know our sweet baby is in His presence now, which brings me great comfort. 

Trials

I have been contemplating if I'd share this personal news, but I shouldn't have to feel ashamed or hide what happened. It helps me to talk about it... and I want my little sweet angel baby to have some recognition. 

We found out we were expecting back in November. We both were filled with so much excitement. I was so happy Paislee was getting that sibling I never had. It took us almost two years again to get pregnant, and we both felt so blessed to bring another sweet spirit to this world. 

A few weeks ago we were full of excitement as we went to my ultrasound appointment at almost 11 weeks. My due date was August 8th and I was so excited to have a summer baby! I couldn't wait to see Paislee as a big sister either, she just loves babies. 

We met with my kind doctor and after some questions he said, "ok let's go see how many kiddos are in there". We laughed and walked into the ultrasound room. I really thought they were going to tell me my due date was sooner than I was expecting.... 

Once the doctor placed the ultrasound on my stomach I laughed and said, "oh good there is only one in there". He zoomed in and then just looked at me with a sad look on his face. It took me a moment to realize what I was seeing but then I knew. I gasped as I was looking up at our sweet baby on the screen. My next words still repeat over in my head as I said, "oh my gosh there is no heartbeat". Secretly I was hoping he would prove me wrong but it was true...our baby was gone.

It was like the wind was knocked out of me and I felt like my heart stopped beating too. He said the baby hadn't grown in over a week but my body still recognized that I was pregnant, and that is why I hadn't had any miscarriage symptoms. I almost felt sick to my stomach. Then to go home and wait for my body to naturally pass our baby was too much for me to handle. 

He gave us some time, and my sweet husband just held me as we cried together. Jake has been such a support to me throughout all of this. With my missed miscarriage we decided a D&C would be the best option for closure, and scheduled it for the following Monday. There almost aren't words for how I felt driving home from the procedure. The best word to describe it is empty. 

I honestly thought something like this would never happen to me, and it's been a heartbreak like I've never experienced before. I was just expecting to hear that sweet heartbeat like I always did at Paislee's ultrasound appointments. Every day is hard and I almost don't want to accept the reality of it all. This is by far the hardest trial we have been through. I know so many women have to go through this...I know the statistics, and it just doesn't seem fair. I think time makes it more bearable, but this has forever changed me. 
It has taught me to lean on my husband and the gospel for the strength and support I don't have by myself, and to trust in my Heavenly Fathers plan...even though I may not understand it. I am so so thankful for the plan of salvation and that families can be together forever. 

We really appreciate the support of our family and close friends. Thank you so much for all you've done for us and for your kindness. You've reached out and shown us so much love, and for that we are so grateful. I pray we can find strength during this trial and get our rainbow baby one day. 
Mommy and daddy love you sweet angel baby and can't wait till we can be with you again. 

I added this little heart charm to my Made by Mary necklace for our little baby in heaven.