Trials

I have been contemplating if I'd share this personal news, but I shouldn't have to feel ashamed or hide what happened. It helps me to talk about it... and I want my little sweet angel baby to have some recognition. 

We found out we were expecting back in November. We both were filled with so much excitement. I was so happy Paislee was getting that sibling I never had. It took us almost two years again to get pregnant, and we both felt so blessed to bring another sweet spirit to this world. 

A few weeks ago we were full of excitement as we went to my ultrasound appointment at almost 11 weeks. My due date was August 8th and I was so excited to have a summer baby! I couldn't wait to see Paislee as a big sister either, she just loves babies. 

We met with my kind doctor and after some questions he said, "ok let's go see how many kiddos are in there". We laughed and walked into the ultrasound room. I really thought they were going to tell me my due date was sooner than I was expecting.... 

Once the doctor placed the ultrasound on my stomach I laughed and said, "oh good there is only one in there". He zoomed in and then just looked at me with a sad look on his face. It took me a moment to realize what I was seeing but then I knew. I gasped as I was looking up at our sweet baby on the screen. My next words still repeat over in my head as I said, "oh my gosh there is no heartbeat". Secretly I was hoping he would prove me wrong but it was true...our baby was gone.

It was like the wind was knocked out of me and I felt like my heart stopped beating too. He said the baby hadn't grown in over a week but my body still recognized that I was pregnant, and that is why I hadn't had any miscarriage symptoms. I almost felt sick to my stomach. Then to go home and wait for my body to naturally pass our baby was too much for me to handle. 

He gave us some time, and my sweet husband just held me as we cried together. Jake has been such a support to me throughout all of this. With my missed miscarriage we decided a D&C would be the best option for closure, and scheduled it for the following Monday. There almost aren't words for how I felt driving home from the procedure. The best word to describe it is empty. 

I honestly thought something like this would never happen to me, and it's been a heartbreak like I've never experienced before. I was just expecting to hear that sweet heartbeat like I always did at Paislee's ultrasound appointments. Every day is hard and I almost don't want to accept the reality of it all. This is by far the hardest trial we have been through. I know so many women have to go through this...I know the statistics, and it just doesn't seem fair. I think time makes it more bearable, but this has forever changed me. 
It has taught me to lean on my husband and the gospel for the strength and support I don't have by myself, and to trust in my Heavenly Fathers plan...even though I may not understand it. I am so so thankful for the plan of salvation and that families can be together forever. 

We really appreciate the support of our family and close friends. Thank you so much for all you've done for us and for your kindness. You've reached out and shown us so much love, and for that we are so grateful. I pray we can find strength during this trial and get our rainbow baby one day. 
Mommy and daddy love you sweet angel baby and can't wait till we can be with you again. 

I added this little heart charm to my Made by Mary necklace for our little baby in heaven.